My ministry-life at present; Or Where am I in the moment, and why it feels like I'm not doing it right?

I have to preface all this by saying I'm a little reluctant to write something this personal on a church blog because... people could read it.   Lucky for me, it's a semi-unfounded fear since this blog is, well, as they say... unencumbered by popularity.   Hit rate not-withstanding, it is still "out in the open".  

And there's another side to my reluctance to post this - It's not just that it's "out there" in the ether, but that it can be perceived as a cry for pity, for comfort, etc.  I don't need hugs and words that it will be okay.   I'm actually fine - I just feel a call to "get this out".  
I've had this inherent dis-ease with sharing (in this venue) about my personal life.   It feels manipulative.   I don't like when others open-up to the random public as a means to garner sympathy (or whatever they might need), and I don't like it in myself either.    It's feels cheap, like I'm being used.

And yet, there's a part of me that still feels this is the right thing.

Maybe it's the part that trusts God...
  
Hi, I'm Chad, and I don't think I'm doing this right.   And I'm not too sure anymore what "right" is.  

"Success".   What are the metrics for success?   That's a trick question, and you dear reader, you know it (Yes, I'm talking to you Greg, ; )  - actually I may be addressing this to you, but you've probably figured, I'm writing this for myself).   The real question is... "How do WE measure success?"    And why do we measure it that way?

So here I am, a pastor in a congregation.   Am I successful?   Well, what do I measure it by?   Success looks like... what?    Well there are the easily quantifiable measurements like the number of baptisms, the number of people in church on a weekly basis, the number of "members", etc.  

Then there are the not-so-easily quantifiable "measurements", like how a person's faith might be growing, or deepening.  And how sermons might impact someone.  Or how each person in a bible study might be impacted by that same experience.  Or how our mission work might change a persons faith-life.    

Here, where I am, am I successful?   Well, I can say there are some pretty steep challenges. blah, blah, blah... the answer is no.

There's the challenge of our culture.   And time.   And the perceived relevance of Main-line Christianity... and Christianity as a whole.    

Culture is changing under our feet.   May be why we have such a wonderfully reactive political process!! (Tongue-in-cheek font)   By "political process" I mean the devolved Jerry Springer-show like environment that looks more like "reality TV" than anything resembling adults seeking the greater common good.  And by "reactive" I mean the energy emanating from the ends of the political spectrum that believe themselves to be (rightly or wrongly) disenfranchised, violated, and are looking for their political voice.   By "wonderful" I mean... disastrously disappointing.

Our culture is changing under our feet.   We perhaps don't draw upon the same cultural resources our grandparents or great grandparents did; like a sense a shared common future, or at least a common ground.    Yes, I'm evoking this "mythical Utopian" past that maybe didn't really exist, but the truth is, and this brings yooogge angst to many - our country is changing!   It looks different, it eats different, it speaks different.   And that brings mucho anxiety!   (Ooops, there it is again!)   And in that change-process, lot's of things seem to be up for grabs now!

And in the midst of all this, our families are changing too - not only the ways families look, but how they spend their time with each other (not not), and how much free time they all have to do this (or not).  Any one of these challenges warrants it's own blog post... I will direct the reader (yes, the one reader... you Greg - you faithful reader, you!) to the volumes of work easily found on the web regarding cultural change in ushering the 21st century America.  

And religion is changing here too!    Main-line Christianity has been declining over decades, but we leaders in these institutions haven't been too worried about it - until now - until it's started hitting the bottom line - (And Greg, what do yo think that "bottom line" might be?  Oops-letting my cynicism show).    

But the decline has sped-up.   And now poll after poll indicate there are fewer and fewer people interested in - not just in the mainline denominations - but Christianity in general... even as the number of people declaring an interest in spirituality increases.

There is a disconnect to say the least.    But I bring this up to lead into the guts of my post.   Just a reminder to you Greg, if you're interested in learning more, there's so much out there describing this change, volumes of written hand-wringing to access, you can easily find it with little trouble.   Just google "declining church".        

So, in this environment, it's no wonder church leaders (more so the heads of churches) are scared!  Lutheran seminary enrollment numbers are down, seminaries are talking about closing, or reducing in some ways, churches are either maintaining (economically and "membership"-wise... with difficulty - means... keeping their noses above the water-line) or are closing too.    It's the very few that are growing.  The pressure is off them for the moment, but if trends continue, they too will feel this pinch at some point.          

And in this environment, the measurable metrics seem to take on a whole lot more importance.   "Yeah, great bible study, pastor!   But the church will die if there aren't more people here to HAVE bible study!"   I don't want to give the impression leaders are running in circles doing the Chicken Little thing.  They're not, so much as they (we all) are trying to figure out what to do.

Here's the challenge - do we try to work to save the institution as we know it?   Or do we re-organize as an institution?   Or do we just throw it all up in the air and let it all fall as it may (trust God???)?  
 
Anyway, in the middle of all this here's where I am.   In a small church, that seems to have past it's hey-day -- numbers have been declining little by little since the 1990's; through deaths, people moving away, fewer people joining the life of the community, etc.   But this community hasn't lost it's Spirit.   It's still a vibrant little community with Spirit-filled worship, in spite of the changes around it.    

In an environment like this, in conditions like this, what do church leaders do?   Well, many end up working harder - squeezing as much as they can from the little that's left to squeeze out.   And by this I mean, working to get people in church, money to pay bills, people to maintain the infrastructure, etc.  

Used to be pastors didn't really have to work too hard - people were already "sold" on the whole church-thing.   They came to bible studies, they came to worship... they came...
Then, with the shifting culture, it became a little harder to keep things moving... but it could still be done relatively easily.  

Then the change was more drastic, and the reactions became more drastic.   We (us church leader-types) began to see people more as "consumers" (and to be fair, people often do come to church as consumers as well - because that's what we've all been trained to do by our culture.   We really are "consumers" of all kinds of things - and church is often seen as just one of those "things" to buy)  
and tailored our "out-reach" and ministry towards the consumer mind-set as well.

Well, as it turns out, fewer and fewer people are "buying" the product.   And a whole cottage industry has sprung up to sell churches and church-leaders various "products" to improve this or that element of church life... basically to be able to grow again!   All this with 30 day no questions asked money back guarantees.   (See, it goes both ways- we're all consumers!)  

And here I am... feeling like I either need to try another product, so I can learn what people (the consumers out there) are looking for  so I can "grow" this church... (because it's all about growth now),  or just pack it up and call it a day, believing I gave it the good college try.   

Growth means "life as we know it".   It means  keeping the status quo alive!   The metrics are pretty clear at this point.   In this environment, numbers almost trumps depth (of faith, of spiritual development, etc.)   And a person - like me - can get lost in the shuffle.   And lose their foundations pretty easily.

If you just do it right - whatever that "right" is - you'll succeed!    That's another form of sales talk!  Get the right technique for the right market, and you sell!    In this case success means growth - and LIFE!

It's easy to forget the basics!   Why are we doing all this in the first place?   And here, we're even tempted to "work the basics" as just another tool to grow.   The temptation in our environment is to manipulate these very "foundational questions of ministry" into a church-growth tool.    ("Just get back to Jesus"...    wait for it...    "and your ministry will grow!"  YES, there it is!!)    

It's as if we're all playing a zero-sum game.  As if there are only so many people out there any church could get (and that number is declining by the year), and we're all competing for those declining numbers.  

You know what Greg, I'm tired.    I'm tired of working harder for less result.   I'm tired of feeling like a failure.   I'm tired of questioning my economic future in the face of a declining institution.   I'm tired of being sold one more tool for ministry "success".   I'm tired of being forced to see ministry like this.   I'm tired of playing this game.    And I'm tired of hearing myself bitch about it.    And I'm just plain tired... and depressed.  

I've forgotten the basics... for the sake of the basics only!  

Lord, I just want to be present with you - for no other purpose than to just be with you.   And I know I will be changed by this.   And that's all.    

You know how sometimes when a memory keeps coming back, maybe it's God trying to tell you something?   Well, I've had one of those memories come back again and again over some time now.   Years ago - I'm talking like 20 or so - I sat with another pastor at lunch, and they said "Can you believe... they pay us to tend to our relationship with God?"  

I miss that.   I have gotten so wrapped up in doing... and doing... and doing...  out of fear and anxiety and I don't know what else, I've neglected some basics... just for their own right!   I've neglected to work on my space with God - because it's the right thing to do.  

 Now, I don't want to give you the impression that nothing in my life is happy, or that there aren't wonderful things happening in ministry here.  I've already told you Greg about some of those good things.  And there are many.  

But the pressure is still there; sometimes it eases, ebbs and flows, but it is always there.    And that pressure can choke the living faith out of ministry.  

On the one hand - the side the pressure comes from -I can see the stress the institution (and I'm a part of it) is in.   It pretty much boils down to "Grow Or Die!"  And there's a cloud on that side of the scales... a dark and ominous cloud.  Is there an economic future for all of us left here?   Will there be retirement at the end of this?  Practical, down-to-earth questions the institution needs to answer as we navigate this decline.  

On the other hand, boy do I feel a tremendous sense of hope and joy!   I really do believe that God's people will continue to gather no matter what.   And I believe there will be some form of organization - as loose as it might be.   And there will be ministry done in the world, and God's word of Grace and Love will STILL be present in and among us all!   I really do believe this!  

The greater question is... how much are we willing to change... let go of...  risk...  in order to get to that new future?    Can we look at "the basics" - rooting ourselves again God's presence... in the Word... in the Spirit...   and not see it as some back-door tool to grow our institutions.   "Oh, shit... let's try that!"

I'm being called back to those basics... and nothing else.   And for no other (hidden) reason.

I have hit my bottom... and I have nowhere else to go.   I'm done!  

Okay Lord, let's start fresh.   Wash me through and through... let me rest.

Talk to you later Greg... I'll give you a call, and we'll talk.

Peace